Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
