just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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