I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
