Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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