you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
