Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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