Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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