Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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