Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
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