nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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