If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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