Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
