I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
