Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
