i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My penis needs a shock collar
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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