I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
