Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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