You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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