Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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