she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
