You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
