Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
