I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
