dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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