I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
