I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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