is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
