i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
