i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
