We're like a lot better than the average bears
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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