Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
