I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize