I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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