i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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