she takes plan B like it's going out of style
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
