Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
