Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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