Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
