I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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