gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
