Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
