I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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