i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
