dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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