Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
