also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
