i'm signing you up for texting rehab
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize