EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
