My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
