i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
