So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize