I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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