Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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