So drunk its hurt
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
