You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
