gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
