If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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