I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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