...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
