he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guiltđ
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled âfive times and I still havenât gotten offâ when he was still inside me ..
Said âdonât worry Iâll get myself off tomorrowâ to top it all off
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