you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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