I wanna bring you to show and tell
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
