When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
