u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
