Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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