holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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