i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
