i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
