Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize