The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
